Some days, we're lucky to not have hurt or maimed someone. We're lucky to have made it through another day with everyone in one piece. We're lucky to still be in one piece ourselves, even if that one piece is slightly unhinged. Everyone has days like that. Nothing abnormal there. Right?
In the last week or so, every day has tested my limits. Every day has made me question my life, my methods, my sanity..... And it all culminated into one massive breakdown. I'm not ashamed to say it. I think more people have them than we know.
It was one of those nights where just ONE more adverse thing happens than I could handle and still keep my cool. That limit is much higher than it used to be, though not nearly as high as I believe it should be. Of course, that made me feel worse. It added guilt to every word I poured onto my husband as I sobbed in our bedroom. Duke, or 10 month old lab, had gone to bed with Munchkin, and when we opened the door to let him out...Well, the room was a mess. My son was sound asleep, but things were chewed, and torn, and I lost it.
Suddenly, every little thing that had even remotely rubbed me the wrong way for weeks had become monumental, and those things were suddenly enough to hate my life, the choices I had made to get there, and even myself. As he listened to my raving, my poor husband sat there, offering solution after solution and all I could do was see what was wrong with everything he suggested. Suddenly, my life was bad enough that I was ready to run. And live under a tree. And forget I had ever had this life.
I had snapped. And then I was angry with myself for feeling way I did. And I felt guilty for thinking the things I did. And I wanted to take it all back. But I also wanted all those thoughts and feelings known because there was at least some modicum of truth to every bit of it.
My efforts to remain calm and collected in the face of adversity had turned me into a volcano, building pressure until I finally erupted. My efforts to be as close to perfect as I could be failed, and being the perfectionist that I am...Well, it killed me.
The next morning, I was forced to face some of the hardest truths parents have to learn.
I had to learn I am definitely never going to be perfect. I had to learn that my husband and I know what is best for our children, and I should have the strength to shut down every naysayer I come into contact with, no matter who they are.
I had to learn that control really IS just an illusion and that life NEVER works out exactly the way we think it will.
I had to learn that as a parent, everything I do affects my kids. Whether they're asleep, awake, at their grandparents' house, or sitting right next to me.
I had to learn that if I want better for them, I have to do better for me. I have to accept that my life is the total of every single decision I've made in my life and that it doesn't matter if I end up where I want to be. It matters most that I find a way to enjoy every step I take to get wherever it is that I land.
You see, I think that every parent finds a day where they question everything. Where they wonder if they're doing all they can and they have to figure out a balance between "all for the kids" and "all for me." I applaud the parents that manage to find the balance quickly, and without eruptions of any kind. I applaud the parents that can, without effort, decide what is best for everyone and just do it. I'm not one of those parents.
I'm more selfish than I should be and I miss the days where I could get a manicure without worrying about who needs dental work or what the puppy recently destroyed that needs replacing.
I am probably harder on my kids than I should be, always demanding their best effort in anything they do.
I know my kids aren't prefect, and I love them for it. But it also frustrates me that those imperfections always rear their heads at the most inopportune times.
I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I know and I understand my life. I know and I understand my family. The real problem here is that I don't know and understand myself, and have accepted that as "normal."
