My Latest Epiphany

Some days, we're lucky to not have hurt or maimed someone. We're lucky to have made it through another day with everyone in one piece. We're lucky to still be in one piece ourselves, even if that one piece is slightly unhinged. Everyone has days like that. Nothing abnormal there. Right?

In the last week or so, every day has tested my limits. Every day has made me question my life, my methods, my sanity..... And it all culminated into one massive breakdown. I'm not ashamed to say it. I think more people have them than we know.

It was one of those nights where just ONE more adverse thing happens than I could handle and still keep my cool. That limit is much higher than it used to be, though not nearly as high as I believe it should be. Of course, that made me feel worse. It added guilt to every word I poured onto my husband as I sobbed in our bedroom. Duke, or 10 month old lab, had gone to bed with Munchkin, and when we opened the door to let him out...Well, the room was a mess. My son was sound asleep, but things were chewed, and torn, and I lost it.

Suddenly, every little thing that had even remotely rubbed me the wrong way for weeks had become monumental, and those things were suddenly enough to hate my life, the choices I had made to get there, and even myself. As he listened to my raving, my poor husband sat there, offering solution after solution and all I could do was see what was wrong with everything he suggested. Suddenly, my life was bad enough that I was ready to run. And live under a tree. And forget I had ever had this life.

I had snapped. And then I was angry with myself for feeling way I did. And I felt guilty for thinking the things I did. And I wanted to take it all back. But I also wanted all those thoughts and feelings known because there was at least some modicum of truth to every bit of it.

My efforts to remain calm and collected in the face of adversity had turned me into a volcano, building pressure until I finally erupted. My efforts to be as close to perfect as I could be failed, and being the perfectionist that I am...Well, it killed me.

The next morning, I was forced to face some of the hardest truths parents have to learn.

I had to learn I am definitely never going to be perfect. I had to learn that my husband and I know what is best for our children, and I should have the strength to shut down every naysayer I come into contact with, no matter who they are.

 I had to learn that control really IS just an illusion and that life NEVER works out exactly the way we think it will.

I had to learn that as a parent, everything I do affects my kids. Whether they're asleep, awake, at their grandparents' house, or sitting right next to me.

I had to learn that if I want better for them, I have to do better for me. I have to accept that my life is the total of every single decision I've made in my life and that it doesn't matter if I end up where I want to be. It matters most that I find a way to enjoy every step I take to get wherever it is that I land.

You see, I think that every parent finds a day where they question everything. Where they wonder if they're doing all they can and they have to figure out a balance between "all for the kids" and "all for me." I applaud the parents that manage to find the balance quickly, and without eruptions of any kind. I applaud the parents that can, without effort, decide what is best for everyone and just do it. I'm not one of those parents.

I'm more selfish than I should be and I miss the days where I could get a manicure without worrying about who needs dental work or what the puppy recently destroyed that needs replacing.

I am probably harder on my kids than I should be, always demanding their best effort in anything they do.

I know my kids aren't prefect, and I love them for it. But it also frustrates me that those imperfections always rear their heads at the most inopportune times.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I know and I understand my life. I know and I understand my family. The real problem here is that I don't know and understand myself, and have accepted that as "normal."

Why Home School?

As I sit here, listening to the sounds of my family, I have come to realize that we are definitely a family centered in sarcasm and dripping with humor, all with distinct views and personalities. Even my three-year-old can dish it right back when it's tossed his way. There's little that's taken seriously most days. It's not their fault. I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is written in their DNA. No family gathering is ever quiet or without spirited debate and sarcastic bickering. It keeps the blood flowing. It keeps the wit sharp. It makes life interesting.

That's not to say the kids aren't respectful or that they don't take authority seriously. Personally, I believe that the constant light-hearted bantering helps them differentiate between "this is serious business" and "give me your best shot." They seem to naturally understand when it's time to chill out and get to what they're told. Munchkin, my 6-year-old rarely questions what he's told to do. Awesome, right? We've come to realize that's it's not all it's cracked up to be. 

We were especially hard on our oldest when he was very young because we were determined not to be "those parents." You know, the ones that you see letting their kids run amuck in the stores or throw knock-down-drag-out fits in aisle 12. We succeeded. But as he gets older, he seems to lack the skill his younger brother has come by naturally- the ability to argue his position instead of simply doing as he is told, without question. Instead, when he truly doesn't want to do something he has become the dramatic "woe-is-me-my-world-is-ending" kind of kid. It rarely ends well for anyone. 

You see, at the ripe old age of 30 (haha), I see things much differently than I did at 24. I WANT them to question commands, and I WANT them to negotiate when they don't think things are right. I think it builds character and hones skills that will come in handy when they enter the real world. When used with respect and tact the art of negotiation is an invaulable skill, capable of expanding your options and  earning respect. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a "yes man" happy and going places in his chosen career? I have yet to meet one, personally. 

This is one of the reasons I've chosen to home school my kids. Public school doesn't allow for children to challenge what they're being spoon-fed. It doesn't require them to think. It doesn't allow them to stand up for themselves. This, combined with the "everybody's a winner" mentality they seem to push at schools, is a dangerous and depressing trend. We're ending up with a generation of kids graduating high school, believing the world owes them everything and that they're special enough to reap rewards without actually doing any of the work, And when they're out there, in the "real" world, they're falling far short of being productive human beings and blame everyone else for their short comings. 

Brought up being rewarded just for warming the bench, forced to simply regurgitate information without processing it, and never being allowed to say "Why not do it this way instead" serves no one. And being that society has taught them that this is the way the world works, maybe these kids are right to blame others. Starting with their parents, who never told prepared them for the way the world really works and never told them that actual work would be required to get anywhere in life. Then the teachers and school administrators that never bothered to tell them that , in life, there are no retests and late work ends in being without a job. 

After paying attention to all this for the last several years, I saw a definitely flaw in the public school system. And yet, we put our son into that broken system. Why? Well, it's what was expected, of course. What would people say? Why, the very mention of it erupted in accusatory comments from at least a few family members. 

"How could you possibly think you know better than those TRAINED to teach children?" 

"Why would you even THINK of isolating your child like that?" 

"What kind of person.....?" 

The list goes on. And so we caved. We gave up the thought, but still we paid attention to the way schools worked. And the more we learned, the more we knew in our hearts we were right. And the topic of home school kept coming up. 

Every time we saw a news story about how this child or that had been bullied into suicide, we saw where "socialization" and support in public schools was ineffective. Sure, you can say that the parents are just as responsible, and I agree. BUT, when you've raised a child that has been taught they're a winner no matter what, and their peers tell them they're worthless time and again...What are the odds that child will turn to you and say "I don't feel like I'm living up to the person you think I should be"? 

Every time we saw how little actually went, financially, toward the actual education of our child we saw a system that was more about lining the pockets of the people at the top of the public school pyramid, than actually educating the people that are the future of our country. Why should we expect teachers that get paid very little to go above and beyond what they're held accountable for- the standardized test scores, those tests taken by children that are taught "It's ok, you can always have another chance." 

Every time we saw a news story about a child that was punished for questioning a teacher, whether the child was right or wrong, we saw a missed opportunity to teach children "Hey, we all make mistakes, but let's learn from them." 

And so, we finally decided to make decisions in the best interest of our children. We finally decided to no longer keep our heads down and our mouths shut. We finally decided to pull our son out of public school to home school him, regardless of any backlash we may receive. We finally decided to turn against the current and find our own stream, our own space, our own time.

Some well-intentioned words of caution and some suggestions have been given but ultimately, support is what we've received. Personally, I believe that if you do things with the best interest of your children in your heart and in the forefront of your mind, there is no such thing as failure. Feeling you should be doing more, and yet, choosing to do nothing...Now THAT is failure. 

And so, we endeavor to raise our boys to question everything, respectfully and tactfully. We endeavor to raise our boys to stand up for themselves, for others, for what they believe to be wrong in this world. We endeavor to raise our boys to care about PEOPLE, not numbers in a bank account. We endeavor to raise our boys to know that YES, they WILL MAKE MISTAKES! But those mistakes are not failures, they are opportunities to learn and to change and grow as human beings. We endeavor to raise our boys to know that they will NOT always get what they feel the deserve in life, and that they will NOT always win- but that it is their DUTY to themselves to keep trying, to change the way they approach things, to find a way to make it work. 

And we endeavor to work our entire lives to teach them that they have to, first and foremost, never take life too seriously. To always find humor in a difficult situation. To find joy in every day.